Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Wednesday! I am having a stellar day and it is still morning.  I woke at 5 this morning after having super active dreams, all good.  I had a 6am class at FlyWheel that I was looking forward to.  I wore lots of sequins :)  When I arrived, my bike was decorated with sparkly stars and lots of ribbon.  The mirror had a special message on it for me.  I felt loved.  Most of the staff woke up to take my class, which is amazing!  I feel love.  Two of my regulars showed up for the 6am after taking my class last night just to celebrate me.  I am love.

Before I left and after dancing around and feeling the excitement of being, I was asked some questions about age and what I have learned over my lifetime.  It was a gift to share it with Manny and Caroline and now I will share it with you.

I was light when I was young.  Shining bright, loving all that existed.  I remember the feeling of being absolutely happy all of the time.  I wanted to run, play, watch TV, read, talk, listen, dance, cook, jump, run, laugh, be passionately.  I did everything with joy.  I even pretended to be injured (to get out of cleaning up) with excitement.  I saw everyone as connected to me, as a part of me and I loved freely.  I was always a leader and enjoyed being a decision maker.  I have always known what I loved and was lucky enough to have a mother that told me that I had the right to have my own opinion and to question everything; to make up my own mind.  I was told everyday that I was the best, the most, the yummiest.  When parents worry about telling their children these truths I sometimes feel sad.  The world will work hard to trip you up, the least a mom and dad can do is build their children up to be strong enough to withstand the impact of life.  I should say that I was also told everything else as well.  I was given rules, I had responsibility and I was told about the world and the people in it with no sugar-coating.  Instead of being told what to do I was given examples and then allowed to make my own choices. I believe children are smarter than us and can handle honesty in a way that we feel isn't nice because we have learned to lie as we have grown up.  We have become very fragile and afraid emotionally… and that is learned.  So just as we learn how to be offended we can learn to be open and strong.  I know that being told that I was both of those things helped me be who I am.

I spent my teenage years struggling in many ways.  I lived in North Carolina for a few years and was bullied incessantly.  It was a devastating time.  I learned about depression and desperation during those years.  I stopped believing in people on one level.  The world wasn't as shiny and I wasn't as happy.  These are experiences that I am grateful for.

I went to college and lived a full and fantastic 4 years.  I worked 58 jobs (not quite, but you get the picture) and knew everyone.  I was experiencing myself in a way that I hadn't before.  I was able to grow into leadership immediately and athletics came into my world.  I was falling in love with all of me.  A courtship that continues to this day.

In my 20's I knew that it was more important for me to love what I was doing than to make money.  So I loved work and was horribly poor.  I still have debt from that time period and I don't regret a moment.  I coached rowing while some of my friends became doctors or lawyers.  I remember being asked what I "really" did for work, often.  I used to get offended until I was told to answer with the excitement of being able to do what I love for my career.  Afterwards, when I was posed that question I answered with excitement, "I get to coach for a LIVING!!, Isn't that fantastic?!"  In my 20's I learned that most people don't know what they want, who they are and that age was a joke.  I also learned that nothing was what it seemed.

In my 30's I felt a sense of liberation.  I wasn't' a child anymore (or so I thought) and I could start living the life I thought I was supposed to.  Ha!  After my nephew passed I grew up in a way.  Everything shifted into an understanding that life was and is a big surprise most of the time.  We aren't here to figure it out, we are here to figure ourselves out.  When I think about how many people I tried to change, relationships I didn't foster, and experiences I had to repeat because I didn't get it the first time, I want to laugh.  Instead of focusing on what I could change I focused on the external.  I don't make that choice anymore.  I love life.  I love my life.  I love my friends and family.  I love the people who annoy the shit out of me.  I love my work.  I love being.  I appreciate so much, so much more.  I say thank you more often, not because I feel it more but because I am no longer ashamed of needing help.  I remember being ashamed of needing. I am no longer afraid to be human.  I am no longer in the mood to push people away from seeing all of me.  I am happy and excited about where I have been and who I am at this very moment.  All I want to do is continue working on me and help, in any way I can, others to reach the place where who they are is absolutely perfect and exactly where they are supposed to be.

And so it continues.  I am 38 and I feel like I am just blossoming.  It is an amazing feeling and I am so excited to be able to share my journey.  Every step of the way.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes I am brought to tears by the amount of love I have for each moment.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Happy Birthday to us all.

xo

a

PS,  Here is a poem by my big brother Pharoah.  He is one of my favorite people.  I have adored him all of my life and still do.  If I had a choice everyone would know him.  A gift to the world he is.

By Choice

I have entered into this world by choice... With power in my voice...

to speak life into dreams... So excuse you, if I seem to be drifting on gold-plated streams... under purple skies showering sultry silver moon beams.

I can't help but live vicariously through me... See cause I'm just a young, old spirit... and if you listen to my heartbeat... You can hear it...that divine rhythm of life, Never ending, just bending time to redefine what time is.  And I live with an attitude of gratitude, thankful for this journey... One of many.  Cause I've been here before, and to other distant shores, in other galaxies... We are all connected, the Spirit has no boundaries.  The Divine Spirit is never bound... Spirit of limitlessness considers the universe its playground.  But in this realm, the Spirit knows itself as me... As we create songs together in our very own key.   So let us be... The Creator and me.   And the Creator and you... Can be, too.  Just know, like I, there is no limit.

Whatever I believe, is what I receive... So says the Divine Spirit.